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Thursday, December 05, 2002 – The Alfred Page

Hello all, and welcome to the latest installment here at the house of Alfred!

Last night (4am to be exact), I was catching up on the news of the week, when I stumbled upon a story about Kylie’s little sister.

Side note: For all those people out there in Internet land who just had their pedantic bells go off in their heads about me saying “last night” and “4am”, and said to themselves “4am isn’t last night. Its early morning!!”

To those people I say, I don’t like you. Saying things like that are annoying and untrue. Here are some definitions for you from The Macquarie Dictionary:

last: next before the most recent
night: the interval of darkness between sunset and sunrise

Anyway, this story talked about Dannii Minogue, and an interview with her by mens magazine GQ. The interviewer Simon Kelner, described the interview, which took place in a French restaurant in London chosen by Dannii, as an experience of epic awfulness, and the restaurant as possibly the worst restaurant in the western world.

In the interview, England’s Dannii made several comments that could be construde as being racist, and also showed support for tougher immigration policies in England, saying that gypsies, asylum seekers and council-estate dwellers had made the streets unsafe around her south London home.

She complained about the number of Asians in Queensland: “Even some of the street signs are in Asian!”

England’s Dannii also rejected Kelner’s suggestion that rising crime levels might be the result of poverty.

“These aren’t poor people,” she said.

“They have satellite dishes, they go to football games, they wear Nike trainers. I have been to countries where there are poor people, believe me.” – Dannii Minogue of England

“She may have somewhat controversial political views but at least she has the defence of being Australian,” Kelner said.

I took particular offence to the above statement, firstly because I don’t like the idea of people judging this country based on the mental strength of entertainers, and secondly, because Kelner is a bloody Pom!

However, this little kafuffle stemmed from something that I am strongly apposed to, celebrities speaking unassisted.

I beleive what happened to England’s Dannii Minogue is a perfect illustration of why celebrity speech writers should be on hand 24 hours a day to assist all minor, and major celebrities in communications with other humans.

Once people are brought into the public eye their IQ immediately drops, as quickly as George Bush’s vocabulary after the fifth grade. Celebrities would use their permanent speech writers as somewhat of a translater, to try and alleviate some confusion and controversy.

Even when a celebrity is asked for an autograph, conversation can arise and spell disaster for someone blinded by the celbrity lights.

A 24 hour translater is the only alternative to ending the controversies, short of introducing legislation making it illegal for people to ask celebrities questions longer than 4 words.

To finish the interview off nicely, England’s Dannii claimed that she was actually more famous than Kylie back here in Australia, and that she gave big sister Kylie her big break.

Well done England’s Dannii. You successfully discredited yourself, as well as embarrassing the entire popluation of Australia while eating a $478 meal in a crappy french restaurant. You’ve raised the bar once again for Australian celebrities to climb to. In order to take Dannii off the top of the table, Russell Crowe will now have to physically assult a bigger Hollywood producer, try being beaten up by SEVERAL best friends in a drunken stupor as apposed to just one , and try making a pass at someone like The Queen of England.

I look forward to the next controversy, and hopefully the next time someone from the Australian Cricket team harasses a woman a bar, their drunken slurs will be translated into something a little better.

Until then.. Adios muchacho’s