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30th November, 2002

I would like to share with you all a true story which took place this very week. It is a story of adventure, suspense, hilarity, and the beach going antics of the Abbreviated Staff.

I choose to begin the story soon.




The staff members that were present for this particular adventure were: Me (Alfred), Edgar, Lord Barthanes, and Fredrich. We had just spent the day at Manly beach and decided that at 3:30, it would be a good time to leave, planning to arrive home by 5pm.

I had been the nominated driver for the trip, and so we began our trip back home, me behind the wheel, forced to navigate the narrow, traffic ridden streets of the city at 4pm on a Friday.

As we hurtled through the streets of Epping in a 1990 model Nissan Pulsar, we were leaving others in our wake. The drivers in the plethora of BMW’s and Porsche’s looked at us in disgust as we flew past. Maybe it was the car’s tremendous speed that disgusted them, or possibly it was the layer of dirt on the car, which had accumulated after over 2 years without a wash.
“What are you looking at! you’re no better than me” – Said me, as the owner of a Mercedes gave us the nod of disapproval.

After 30 minutes had passed, – along with disagreements about directions, locations, freeways, and one about the g-forces of a space shuttle, – we were then thrown neck deep into a pile of trouble, mixed with one cup of danger, a tablespoon of fear, and a pinch of untimely death.

Rain started pelting down around us. Cars were crashing left, right, and off-center. A quiet hush went over the car as I tried to navigate the streets in the fierce weather. I was as scared as the next person, but I had to be brave. After all, I was driving, and it was my job to get my fellow Abbreviations out of harms way. As I concentrated on the road ahead, my concentration was almost broken as Fredrich started to cry beside me, while Lord Barthanes and Edgar found solace in each others arms.

Then disaster struck!! The drivers side windscreen wiper decided to stop moving, when i was in the 3rd lane of a three lane highway, travelling at 80km with cars in every direction. Drastic action needed to be taken as I watched the red car in front of me disappear behind a wall of water within about 3 seconds. Without knowing who was in the lanes to the left, I had no way of changing lanes to pull over, so I opened the window and what happened next can only be described as the next paragraph.

I reached around the window, trying to repair the windscreen while still driving. I couldn’t risk slowing down below the 80km speed limit as I was in the far lane, and hence needed to remain constant with the other cars. With the windscreen wiper still well and truly still, I decided there was no way I could continue, and had to switch two lanes blind, in order to park on the side of the road. When I saw my opening, I threw the car into the left lane, and subsequent left lane to park the car.

I did the best I could to calm down the other three as we remained parked beside the freeway, trying to remain strong, but all the while thinking about how I may never be able to co-write another Annual Weekly, or make another slanderous comment about Rove.

Then someone decided we should ask one of the home owners near us if we could borrow a spanner. After a short walk, Lord Barthanes, Edgar, and I arrived at the house of a local. All the while, Fredrich stayed in the car, as he was now shaking uncontrollably as a result of the sobbing. As Lord Barthanes and Edgar felt uneasy around humans, I felt it was my duty to retrieve the spanner. I pleaded with the man for several minutes and finally he was convinced and allowed us to borrow the adjustable wrench we had longed for.

After the short walk back to the car, I popped the hood and braved the rain as I wrenched and spannered my way to freedom. As the cars flew past, centimeters away from turning my legs into a pair really badly injured legs, I was unphased as my job was clear, save the day. As it began to hail, I reached my goal. the Windscreen wiper was again tightly secured to the car, and the ordeal had remained casualty free.

I returned to my seat behind the wheel, and informed the other members that the crisis was over, and to greet their mothers for me. They cheered and clapped as once again I had risked life and limb to save my fellow man.

I’m a modest person. I wouldn’t say I was a hero. I was just doing what anyone in my situation would have done, be a hero. I’m sure had any of the other Abbreviations been as brave or as resistant to water as I had been, they would have done more than cower at the first sign of danger.

I must inform everyone that this was a true story, and was in no way embellished. You must not read this article and discount it as fiction, because this story is as true as the sky is blue, even though on the particular day in question, the sky was grey. If you don’t believe me, believe the other people that were right there beside me. They will all tell you the truth of what happened on that day.

Peace Out! – Alfred “The working man’s hero” Gesnok – And Trevor rhymes with ever