AbbreviatedOnline

The funniest website since the last site you saw

Hi this is my page. Named after me, Steven Page. Here I will post whatever I feel is interesting at the time. If I ever think of something funny, this page will be the first to know about it. If I ever think of SOMETHING, this page will be the first to know about it. I always enjoy feedback about my articles, so send you praise, death threats, etc to: alfred@abbreviatedonline.com

Friday, December 13, 2002 – The Alfred Page

Quote about ROVE – “..generally people love him, he’s just the sort of guy everyone loves.”

I write todays rant after reading a very interesting article which contained the above quote, and no, they weren’t being sarcastic when they wrote that line.

Apparently in a recent “Power List” by Who weekly, Rove McAnus (At least, I think that is how you spell his last name) was voted the most influential entertainer in Australia, somehow beating Dieter Brummer. Although Dieter was clearly funnier, Rove won because of a public “perception” that he is funny, with an emphasis on the word perception when you read this article to your loved ones, or significant other/s.

For some reason people expect Rove to be funny, just like you people expect my articles to be funny. Only with Rove, people laugh at 5 seconds of his show about the many ways he can say “What the?” and then tell their friends how funny Rove is.

“Oh last nights episode was so funny. Did you see the part where he said ‘What the?'”

Where does he come up with his material? I mean, he seems to have a whole 5 different voices that he uses to say those two words 10 times an episode. But it makes it so much funnier when he says “therrrrrrrrrrrr” instead of “the”. You could only describe him as a comedic genius.

The apparent list took into account things like improvement in overall ratings.

“When (Rove) first launched his show … it came fourth in the ratings, it was beaten by every other network, it struggled and then suddenly by 2002 it was the number one show for its timeslot.”

Quite an achievement there. Only Rove and his many different ways of saying “What the?” could have taken the prized timeslot of 9:30 tuesday night, the pinnacle of television ratings.

To further discredit the “Power List”, The Wiggles and Bert Newton were also in the top ten.

So a group of people dressed in skivvies who dance with a big green dinosaur and a pirate were in the “Power List”. As well as a 95 year old Danoz Direct spokesman who gets cheap laughs by insulting a poor stagehand by the name of Belvedere.

Now thats what I call a Power list.

Say hi to your mum for me. And while you’re there, tell her that Rove sux.

Yours in bitterness,
��� Alfred Gesnok
��� 11th on Australia’s Most Powerful Entertainers Lis

Thursday, December 05, 2002 – The Alfred Page

Hello all, and welcome to the latest installment here at the house of Alfred!

Last night (4am to be exact), I was catching up on the news of the week, when I stumbled upon a story about Kylie’s little sister.

Side note: For all those people out there in Internet land who just had their pedantic bells go off in their heads about me saying “last night” and “4am”, and said to themselves “4am isn’t last night. Its early morning!!”

To those people I say, I don’t like you. Saying things like that are annoying and untrue. Here are some definitions for you from The Macquarie Dictionary:

last: next before the most recent
night: the interval of darkness between sunset and sunrise

Anyway, this story talked about Dannii Minogue, and an interview with her by mens magazine GQ. The interviewer Simon Kelner, described the interview, which took place in a French restaurant in London chosen by Dannii, as an experience of epic awfulness, and the restaurant as possibly the worst restaurant in the western world.

In the interview, England’s Dannii made several comments that could be construde as being racist, and also showed support for tougher immigration policies in England, saying that gypsies, asylum seekers and council-estate dwellers had made the streets unsafe around her south London home.

She complained about the number of Asians in Queensland: “Even some of the street signs are in Asian!”

England’s Dannii also rejected Kelner’s suggestion that rising crime levels might be the result of poverty.

“These aren’t poor people,” she said.

“They have satellite dishes, they go to football games, they wear Nike trainers. I have been to countries where there are poor people, believe me.” – Dannii Minogue of England

“She may have somewhat controversial political views but at least she has the defence of being Australian,” Kelner said.

I took particular offence to the above statement, firstly because I don’t like the idea of people judging this country based on the mental strength of entertainers, and secondly, because Kelner is a bloody Pom!

However, this little kafuffle stemmed from something that I am strongly apposed to, celebrities speaking unassisted.

I beleive what happened to England’s Dannii Minogue is a perfect illustration of why celebrity speech writers should be on hand 24 hours a day to assist all minor, and major celebrities in communications with other humans.

Once people are brought into the public eye their IQ immediately drops, as quickly as George Bush’s vocabulary after the fifth grade. Celebrities would use their permanent speech writers as somewhat of a translater, to try and alleviate some confusion and controversy.

Even when a celebrity is asked for an autograph, conversation can arise and spell disaster for someone blinded by the celbrity lights.

A 24 hour translater is the only alternative to ending the controversies, short of introducing legislation making it illegal for people to ask celebrities questions longer than 4 words.

To finish the interview off nicely, England’s Dannii claimed that she was actually more famous than Kylie back here in Australia, and that she gave big sister Kylie her big break.

Well done England’s Dannii. You successfully discredited yourself, as well as embarrassing the entire popluation of Australia while eating a $478 meal in a crappy french restaurant. You’ve raised the bar once again for Australian celebrities to climb to. In order to take Dannii off the top of the table, Russell Crowe will now have to physically assult a bigger Hollywood producer, try being beaten up by SEVERAL best friends in a drunken stupor as apposed to just one , and try making a pass at someone like The Queen of England.

I look forward to the next controversy, and hopefully the next time someone from the Australian Cricket team harasses a woman a bar, their drunken slurs will be translated into something a little better.

Until then.. Adios muchacho’s

30th November, 2002

I would like to share with you all a true story which took place this very week. It is a story of adventure, suspense, hilarity, and the beach going antics of the Abbreviated Staff.

I choose to begin the story soon.

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Now!
The staff members that were present for this particular adventure were: Me (Alfred), Edgar, Lord Barthanes, and Fredrich. We had just spent the day at Manly beach and decided that at 3:30, it would be a good time to leave, planning to arrive home by 5pm.

I had been the nominated driver for the trip, and so we began our trip back home, me behind the wheel, forced to navigate the narrow, traffic ridden streets of the city at 4pm on a Friday.

As we hurtled through the streets of Epping in a 1990 model Nissan Pulsar, we were leaving others in our wake. The drivers in the plethora of BMW’s and Porsche’s looked at us in disgust as we flew past. Maybe it was the car’s tremendous speed that disgusted them, or possibly it was the layer of dirt on the car, which had accumulated after over 2 years without a wash.
“What are you looking at! you’re no better than me” – Said me, as the owner of a Mercedes gave us the nod of disapproval.

After 30 minutes had passed, – along with disagreements about directions, locations, freeways, and one about the g-forces of a space shuttle, – we were then thrown neck deep into a pile of trouble, mixed with one cup of danger, a tablespoon of fear, and a pinch of untimely death.

Rain started pelting down around us. Cars were crashing left, right, and off-center. A quiet hush went over the car as I tried to navigate the streets in the fierce weather. I was as scared as the next person, but I had to be brave. After all, I was driving, and it was my job to get my fellow Abbreviations out of harms way. As I concentrated on the road ahead, my concentration was almost broken as Fredrich started to cry beside me, while Lord Barthanes and Edgar found solace in each others arms.

Then disaster struck!! The drivers side windscreen wiper decided to stop moving, when i was in the 3rd lane of a three lane highway, travelling at 80km with cars in every direction. Drastic action needed to be taken as I watched the red car in front of me disappear behind a wall of water within about 3 seconds. Without knowing who was in the lanes to the left, I had no way of changing lanes to pull over, so I opened the window and what happened next can only be described as the next paragraph.

I reached around the window, trying to repair the windscreen while still driving. I couldn’t risk slowing down below the 80km speed limit as I was in the far lane, and hence needed to remain constant with the other cars. With the windscreen wiper still well and truly still, I decided there was no way I could continue, and had to switch two lanes blind, in order to park on the side of the road. When I saw my opening, I threw the car into the left lane, and subsequent left lane to park the car.

I did the best I could to calm down the other three as we remained parked beside the freeway, trying to remain strong, but all the while thinking about how I may never be able to co-write another Annual Weekly, or make another slanderous comment about Rove.

Then someone decided we should ask one of the home owners near us if we could borrow a spanner. After a short walk, Lord Barthanes, Edgar, and I arrived at the house of a local. All the while, Fredrich stayed in the car, as he was now shaking uncontrollably as a result of the sobbing. As Lord Barthanes and Edgar felt uneasy around humans, I felt it was my duty to retrieve the spanner. I pleaded with the man for several minutes and finally he was convinced and allowed us to borrow the adjustable wrench we had longed for.

After the short walk back to the car, I popped the hood and braved the rain as I wrenched and spannered my way to freedom. As the cars flew past, centimeters away from turning my legs into a pair really badly injured legs, I was unphased as my job was clear, save the day. As it began to hail, I reached my goal. the Windscreen wiper was again tightly secured to the car, and the ordeal had remained casualty free.

I returned to my seat behind the wheel, and informed the other members that the crisis was over, and to greet their mothers for me. They cheered and clapped as once again I had risked life and limb to save my fellow man.

I’m a modest person. I wouldn’t say I was a hero. I was just doing what anyone in my situation would have done, be a hero. I’m sure had any of the other Abbreviations been as brave or as resistant to water as I had been, they would have done more than cower at the first sign of danger.

I must inform everyone that this was a true story, and was in no way embellished. You must not read this article and discount it as fiction, because this story is as true as the sky is blue, even though on the particular day in question, the sky was grey. If you don’t believe me, believe the other people that were right there beside me. They will all tell you the truth of what happened on that day.

Peace Out! – Alfred “The working man’s hero” Gesnok – And Trevor rhymes with ever

25th November, 2002

Well I’ve reached that time again. I can finally stop worrying about studying for exams, and start worrying about whether i’ve scraped enough marks together to pass the subjects. This semester I attempted three subjects, but I found it no easier than any other semester when I attempted four subjects. Does that mean these three subjects were a class above the rest, super subjects, the mothers of all subjects?? I think not.

I’m afraid the difficulty of this semester boils down to laziness. No matter what the situation is, I somehow only ever do just enough work to scrape through. (Note: Bad choice of analogies ahead) Had I been in the World Trade Center, I could have been on the bottom floor, and still would have been one of the last out when the buildings came crashing down hours later. (End of bad analogy)

Sadly, my run of leaving everything to the last possible minute, and somehow getting through unscaved came to a crashing halt last semester, when I paid the ultimate price for my laziness. About $500 to be exact.

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, and I awoke at 11am. I checked my voicemail messages to hear this: “Hey man. We have an exam at 9am. Just thought you should know”

Oh drat i said. Well isn’t that a bit annoying. It seems sleeping in didn’t classify as “Just Cause” to missing an exam.

Even though I missed an exam that contributed to 60% of the overall subject, i remained optimistic about the 40% worth of tutorial and assignment marks, pinning all my hopes on the wonders of scaling.

But alas, my 21 out of 40 didn’t scale to a pass.

So there I was, finally at the end of a lifetime of scraping through to be average.

So now as another semester ends, I await my results. Each of three subjects, too close to call one way or the other. Did my luck run out last semester. Have I finally seen the end of pulling all nighters on assignments to scrape through. Will I have to do the unthinkable next year? Will I have to plan? Have to study? Have to…..Try??? So i have to ask myself, do I feel lucky?

Peace Out! Alfred